Monday, November 22

The best baby name ever

Bonny baby competition from yesterday's Wales on Sunday... a little girl... wearing a headband with bow attached... called... drum roll please...

... Demsi-Brie!

Like the cheese.

I can't wait until I have my own Chesney-Stilton or Tia-Edam.

Friday, November 12

Cute or scary?
John Peel got buried today. Here's the proper version of the quote that I heard on the radio when he died.

"I'm fabulously lucky, I've got everything I wanted as a kid, a house in the country, an astounding wife, and a job on the radio. I don't know what could be done to improve it."

Monday, November 8

I'm feeling sad, like the kind of sad I get on a Sunday, or when it's raining, or when I'm hungover.

But it's Monday, and I haven't been drinking and the weather's OK too.

If I see an old man on his own, it is likely to make me cry. If I see a mother kissing her baby, that will probably make me cry too.

Happy or sad, any emotion is guaranteed to have me in floods when I'm having one of these days.

Tuesday, November 2

A modern tragedy
Do you think it's a sign that you're bored of your job, when you do everything in your power to avoid clearing the pile of work on your desk?

There's plenty to keep you occupied. You've done your to-do list, got everything in order to be tackled one task at a time.

When you made the list this morning - or maybe even last night - you felt efficient, organised, really on top of things. But as the clock has ticked its way through the minutes and the hours, the endless cycle of reading-typing-printing-cutting-pasting-e-mailing has begun to get you down.

You right hand gets drawn to the mouse and suddenly you're faced by the flashing cursor on the Google home page, enticing you to type, to enter a word and find out everything in the world there is to know about that subject. "Come on," it's saying, "just one word. Just one and I'll take you to places on the information superhighway you ain't ever been before, baby."

No, you can't, you absolutely can't. You know the deadline for that really important job's looming.

But it carries on with its seductive wink, its empty box waiting to filled with your curiosity.

And you look at it, thinking "Oh, go on then, I'll just have fifteen minutes as a little break." And you stare at the screen, the empty box, the flashing cursor, but you just can't think of anything to type.

Not one thing. The whole world is at your fingertips, but your brain is blank. You're so numbed by the daily grind that your brain has lost its inquisitiveness.

Monday, November 1

I'm having the usual problem that I get at this time of year. Half my clocks have been turned back an hour, but half of them haven't.

When I got up this morning, my alarm clock said 6.30 am - all well and good. I had a shower, washed and dried my hair, got dressed, then headed downstairs for a nice winter-warming bowl of porridge.

The clock on the cooker said 08:00. "Shit!" I said many times while trying to cook porridge/make my sandwiches/apply eyeliner/pack my bag. How come it took me so long to get ready - I was supposed to leave at 7.30 to catch the 8 o'clock train. Hot porridge is shovelled into my mouth, burning my tongue as I try at the same time to stick eye drops in the cat and find two gloves that match.

Then it dawns on me. The clocks, ah yes, they changed last night. It's only just past 7. All is calm.

Thursday, October 28

The perfect coat?
Does the perfect coat really exist? I have lots of coats - fluffy, furry, corduroy, denim, red, green, brown, blue - but none of them are the PERFECT coat.

This perfect coat that I am looking for should have all the following qualities:
  • Warm for windy winter walks to the train station.
  • Made of materiel that doesn't soak up water like a piece of kitchen roll.
  • Not be boring (ie not black). Bright colours (pink, red, orange) especially welcome.
  • Preferably have some kind of fluffy stuff on it.
  • Long enough to cover hips and thighs (cold bums and midriffs are not a good look).
  • Be fitted and flattering to the figure, preferably with a belt.
  • Not be uber-trendy. Too much tweed this season which will be v naff this time next year.
  • Be under £100. Under £50 would be better but I'm being realistic here.

Have you seen this coat? Please let me know if you have. I want to buy it.

Yesterday, I was so sick of looking for a coat and being cold while doing so, that I went into M&S and bought a cost that was:

  • Black
  • Bulky
  • No furry bits
  • Boring

I am off into town right now to take it back.

The search continues.

Wednesday, October 27

John Peel
I can't believe that John Peel has died. I feel genuinely sad about it.

I was just listening to Radio One and there was a soundbite of him talking about his life. He was saying how he had a job playing records that he likes, a house in the country with cats and dogs, a wonderful wife and family. He said: "I can't think of anything else I would want in life."

I shared a birthday with John Peel. Hopefully, I'll be as happy with my life one day.

I've got the lovely husband, now I just need the house by the sea, the babies, the donkey, the spaniel and the job making cakes all day.

Monday, October 25

Not meaning to sound like a fishwife from Eastenders, I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to spend lots of time with the faaayyymmleeeee. Sometimes, because they're your family, and not friends that you choose to spend time going out/drinking/dancing/laughing with, seeing them can seem like an obligation, a bit of a chore.

You think, 'Ooo, I haven't seen my aunty so-and-so for ages, better pencil in a visit I suppose'. Or you might be going to your parents house for a family bash, yet really wishing you were down the pub with your mates or cosying up at home with your cat instead.

But families are great. When else would you get to mix with people who are so different from you, live a different lifestyle and have opposite interests to you, are from a totally different generation than you, but that you still have a common link with?

I read recently that you should 'Spend more time than you think you can afford with the people that you love'. And it's true, because we take our families for granted so much. We think they'll always be there, so we don't need to work so hard at developing or maintaining the relationships.

But what if one day they weren't there? Would you wish that you'd visited your sister more often? Would you always regret not taking your Grandmother to see Blackpool tower? Would you spend years wondering what the cousin you played with when you were 9 is like today?

Go on, send your granny a big bunch of flowers today. Get the yellow pages now and order that bouquet. Treat your mum to that spa day you've been talking about for years. Visit mad Uncle Barry in the old people's home - even if he does go on about 'Heartbeat' a lot, you can take just one hour of your week to pop in and cheer him up.

Go on, do something nice for your family. They'll feel happy knowing you care, and you'll feel a warm fuzzy glow from knowing you've made someone's day.

Friday, October 22

I'm such a bad blogger
You see, the thing is, I have another secret blog (shhhhh!), and I've been concentrating on that one and not this one.

Anyhoo, last night I went to see some comedians. There were four of them, and they were all very funny, but it's a bit odd watching comedy for a long time (it was about 2.5 hours). You get a kind of comedy fatigue, where your face aches from smiling and laughing so much, and you start drifitng off and thinking about other stuff because you've just heard too many jokes.

Funny that.

Thursday, October 14


Monday, October 11

A poem about my weekend
I was supposed to go to aerobics,
But I went to the pub instead.
I woke up on Saturday morning
With a hammer banging in my head.

I went to Bath on the train,
Took my mother as a birthday treat.
We shopped and chatted and wandered and went
To a lovely veggie restaurant to eat.

In the evening, some friends came round,
And we ate and drank some wine.
I only had two glasses though,
So in the morning I felt fine.

Sunday AM, I had to clean
And hoover and wash for three hours.
Dave came home from work at two
And bought me some nice yellow flowers.

We went to town and watched a film,
Then went for a bowl of pasta.
The movie was about Peter Sellers,
You know, that old comedy actor.

Thursday, October 7

What is going on?
Is it just me or are there just too many bonkers people in the world? And I'm not talking bonkers in a 'crazy-hair-and-a-twitchy-eye' way either.

Wednesday, October 6

It's funny how conversations go. On the way to work this morning, the following topics were covered on the 30-minute journey:

  • X-rays
  • My cat
  • Childbirth
  • Dodgy massage parlours
  • Rain
  • Blueberries
  • Driving
  • Messy hair
  • Lisa Stansfield (?)
  • 90s indie clubs
  • People we've fancied
  • Being shy
  • Heavy metal

What an exciting world we live in.

Tuesday, October 5

Monday, October 4

Five days into my new vegan lifestyle, and I have eaten lots of healthy food and haven't felt deprived once. Here are all the lovely things I have mostly been munching:

  • Tofu, sweet potato and coconut curry
  • Bubble and squeak
  • Olive bread rolls with humous and avocado
  • Cranberry and date flapjack
  • A big veggie fry-up breakfast
  • Five-bean chilli
  • Banana and kiwi smoothie
  • Rigatoni with chard, red onion and cannelinni beans in a roasted pepper and garlic oil
  • Chocolate and banana cake

At this rate, I am going to be very fat indeed.

Thursday, September 30

30 Things To Do Before I'm 30

  • Enter a race
  • Be happy with my figure
  • Read a biography of Ghandi
  • Grow some vegetables
  • Take Dave to West Wales
  • Go to London on a gallery trip
  • Have a holiday in an exciting city
  • Bake some bread
  • Read all the unread books on my shelf
  • Paint a picture for my mother
  • Knit a scarf
  • Buy myself a piece of gorgeous jewellery
  • Learn to make 10 desserts
  • Buy a really warm winter coat
  • Watch the sunset on a beach
  • Visit our wedding wood
  • Climb a mountain
  • Do Race for Life in under 36 minutes
  • Read 10 books from the BBC Big Read Top 100
  • Walk/Cycle the Taff Trail
  • Go to a Friends of the Earth meeting
  • Volunteer for something
  • Adopt a donkey
  • Enter a writing competition
  • Have a good haircut
  • Take lots of photographs
  • Watch 10 cinema classics
  • Have a facial
  • Do a dance class
  • Save at least £2000 for a rainy day

Wednesday, September 29

Hmmm, must blog more often
But maybe I haven't got interesting to say. From now on, if nothing exciting's happening, I will just make things up instead. Since I've been away, here's what's happened to me*.

  • I went on holiday to Cornwall and met a giant called Bob
  • I have made the ultimate list: 30 things to do before I'm 30
  • I built a house out of ryvita for my cat
  • I am entering the Playtex Moonwalk - a women-only powerwalk marathon through the streets of London at midnight, in wonderbras!
  • The sunflowers in my garden tried to take over the world
  • I read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which was v scary!
  • As of today, I am going vegan, after reading lots of stuff about scary dairy and feeling sick whenever I eat cheese

*Some facts may have been 'enhanced'

Friday, September 3

Yay! It's le weekend. Here's what I'm going to do.

Drink some nice wine
Potter in my garden
Bake a cake
Play with my cat
Watch a film
Buy a present for Dave
Read the Saturday Guardian in the park
Go for a swim, sauna and steam room
Go out for a lovely meal
Make a housewarming card for my friend
Sleep a lot. But not too much

Weee heee.

Wednesday, September 1

Eco Warrior
On Monday, I visited the Centre for Alternative Technology in Mid Wales.

It was great. It inspired me to grow lots of vegetables, sell my car and wee on my compost.

I'll keep you posted on all three!
More Random Acts of Kindness
I'm getting a bit obsessed with Join-Me. Soon, there's a book coming out, called 365 Ways to Make the World a Better Place.

I have done a few random acts lately, and they make you feel sooooooooo good. And they make someone else happy too. Go on, do one today.

And leave me a comment telling me what you've done. Then I'll be happy when I read about it too! Three times the fun!

Friday, August 27

Random Acts of Kindness
It's Friday, so join Danny and perform a random act of kindness.

Today I have made cornflake cakes for my work colleagues.

I have a new mission in life
I want to be an Air guitar champion

Wednesday, August 25

It's my birthday on Monday. This is what I want, if anyone wants to get me a gift!

A spaniel
A cake
A donkey
Sparkly things
Nice hair
A blue or ginger cat
Triplet babies
Another cake

Friday, August 20

Festival Time
Yay! At 3.30pm, I am out of work and off to the V festival. I've got my flowery wellies and little boho-chic dress packed, and I'm going to watch:

The Pixies (Gah! Too excited)
Badly Drawn Boy (I want to cuddle him and wear his funny hat)
Scissor Sisters (I have packed glitter and a (fake) fur coat)

And I'm going to try and see all the following people:

The Thrills
The Strokes
Tim Booth



Thursday, August 19

Bonny Babies
One Valleys' Bonny Baby competition ends, another begins. Time for a bit of chav name spotting. This week's Cynon Valley Leader has the following gems:

Levi (Name your child after a brand. It's consumerism gone bonkers)
Lawson (Surname as first name. Always a winner. See also: Lewis, Morgan etc)
Keelan (Eh? is that even a name?)
Billie-Jo (Do you live in a trailer park in America?)
Finley (A little girl - aw.)
Demi Marie

And my personal favourite, with 'creative' spelling:
Sidnei Tioni

A touch of class.

Wednesday, August 18

Nice people
What a lovely story about human kindness. It makes me want to be a nicer person, and stop being an old cowbag.

Friday, August 13

Shocked of Tunbridge Wells...
I have had a letter published in the Western Mail (scroll down to 'Veggies Don't Bite')!

Thursday, August 12

Congratulations to my lovely friends Gareth and Cath, who are expecting their first sproglet on Feb 20th!

Aunty Emma. Has a nice ring to it, I think.

Wednesday, August 11

I feel soiled
This morning, I had an encounter with a perve on the train. He sat in the seat in front of me, and kept turning round and staring at me. I just ignored him, and carried on reading my book, but he kept on doing it.

When I was picking up my bag to get off the train, he stuck his hand through the seats and started stroking my knee. I got off VERY quickly indeed.

Bleurgh, what a perve. I hope his willy falls off.

Friday, August 6

You Will Love This!
I've seen this guy's book in the shops, but thought it was a bit of a Dave Gorman rip-off so never bothered with it.

He's called Danny Wallace and he's started this movement called 'Join Me', where you join him in agreeing to perform a random act of kindness every Friday. I have signed up, and you should too!

Bugger. It's Friday today and I only have 9 hours and 18 minutes left to complete my random act of kindness!
Fat Goths in the Sunshine
Ah, there's nothing like a fat goth in the sunshine. There was little old me, walking home from work last night in the 27 degree sunshine, flouncing along in a little denim skirt, pink girlie top and a flowery clip in my hair, swinging my handbag and singing a little song to myself.

Suddenly, from under a shady tree, skulked a big fat goth. She was dressed in a long black coat (done up), full length black skirt, thick black tights, and pointy shoes (in a nice shade of black, of course). Her face was white, her lips were black - and she must have been so hot!

I wondered if she secretly longs to have a life filled with glitter and pink things, to be all smiley and wear sparkly lip gloss and furry coats. Maybe she does, but feels she can't, because she has to be a goth and now can't let all her goth friends down by abandoning the way of the drab.

I think I might set up a support group called GGG (Goths Getting Girlie), and they can come round to my house and try on dresses and glitter and drink girlie cocktails - and no-one need ever know about it!

Thursday, August 5

Nice box
I have a new obsession. I participate in an organic vegetable box scheme. It is fantastic! A woman turns up at your house once a week, with a box, and you don't know what's going to be in it! It's like your birthday. Every week.

This week, I got courgettes, brocolli, chard, broad beans, runner beans, tomatoes, potatoes, spring greens, beetroot, swede, carrots and onions. Oh, and a hamster.

Tuesday, August 3

Just looking back at my New Year's Resolutions, and even though it is August - over halfway through the year - I haven't achieved very many of them.

Here are the things I need to achieve pronto.

*Have a lovely holidy - although have booked the cream tea tour of Cornwall so this should do the trick
*Visit the Centre for Alternative Technology - in the middle of nowhere, but surely unethical to drive there?
*Do a 10km race - er, managed a 5km but should be well into training for next one by now
*Get a new hairstyle - if 'messy' counts, I have that already
*Make a new friend - where are all the meepy people?
*Make bread - which I will definitely do next week

But here are the things I have done.

*Visit friends all over the country - have been to Bournemouth, Cambridge, Eastbourne, Stroud and Harrogate already
*Finish the house - phew, 16 months of DIY complete!

Er - that's it! I need to get into action and make some bread for my new friend, run the 10km to their house to deliver it and show off my new hairstyle.

Wednesday, July 14

There was just a woman on the radio called Mrs Cakebread. Why can't that be my name? Emma Cakebread.

I've just read a fantastic book, Family Life by Elisabeth Luard. It's a true story about this eccentric English woman who goes to Andalucia to live with her four kids. They ride a donkey to school and she spends her time cooking and painting. I want to have four babies and live in a Spanish forest with a donkey, baking cakes and painting flowers all day.

Sometimes I think that life is very unfair.

Friday, July 9

T'internet is ace, it really is. I am listening to XFM through my headphones, while catching up on Call Centre Confidential and drinking a lovely cup of green tea (although the tea obviously has nothing to do with the internet).

Thursday, July 8

Cakefest 2004
Ooooooo, I forgot to recount this spectacular cake fest that happened to me last week. Dave and I decided to go to the v posh Betty's Tea Rooms while we in Harrogate.

We thought we'd go down the traditional route and have a cream tea (although the trolley of cakes was also looking v tempting). Anyway, Dave ordered "two cream teas" - lovely.

When it arrived, I think one cream tea was for two people, and we actually had enough for four people. Two scones each, a massive bowl of clotted cream, plus a giant pot of strawberry jam too. And tea, of course.

We ate the flippin' lot.

Looking forward to our 'Cream Tea Tour of Cornwall' in September.
How do some people get through life?
Here are a few quotes from around my office over the last few weeks.

"Does soya milk come from goats?"

"I didn't know you can die from breast cancer"

"I didn't know what a contraction was, I had to ask Malcolm*" That one was from someone who is v pregnant.

Actually, they are all from one person. I was just softening the blow. Scary.

(*names have been changed)
I'm a bit rubbish
But now I'm back. Blogging is good for the soul, apparently.

Here's a lovely story in today's Guardian, about the people of Nagano in Japan, who live long healthy lives through a combination of good diet, good family relationships and lots of laughter. Warms your cockles.

Monday, June 21

Summer Solstice
Today is the Summer Solstice. Go and dance naked around a tree.

Wednesday, June 16

The Virtual You
This is great. Put in your height, weight, body shape etc, and it builds a virtual model of you, that is very flattering indeed! I looked like Cameron Diaz on mine.

Perhaps I put the wrong measurement in.
Scary People
In my efforts to be the all new me, I just went to a meeting with scarey high-up people, which I had to 'chair'. I was scared stiff as usual, but made jokes about putting a gossip column in the staff newspaper and even gave them all some production schedules printed in a lovely shade of pink.

They probably think I'm a twat, but I didn't really care. A small step, but v brave for me.

Monday, June 14

Weddings and Babies and Things
Sometimes I can be a right miserable cow. I get the fear when there's a works night out, or a pub trip with friends of friends I don't know very well, and I never go along. I think that if people get to know me, they'll think I'm boring/strange/talk too much/talk too little/am a bit of a twat.

Anyway, I went to a wedding on Saturday and met this incredible woman called Emily. She is 37 years old, and said that when she was in her late twenties - just like I am now - she stopped worrying about what other people thought of her, and just thought 'Sod it. If they don't like me, tough. I know I'm OK really'.

So one day, she changed her life. She started wearing whatever she liked, eating whatever she fancied whenever she fancied it, and talking to absolutely anyone - from strangers on trains to the biggest scariest boss at work. And she was fab, and knows lots of interesting things about lots and lots of people, and had an infectious presence. And I want to be just like her.

So as of today, I am All New Emma.

Although, I am also mad hormonal Emma too. This morning I saw a girl I used to go to school with getting off the train that I was getting on. She was really heavily pregnant and looked so happy and healthy. And when I got on the train, I felt so jealous of her pregnant state, I started bloody crying! Think my womb has taken over my brain and done something funny to it.

But on the other hand, my friend Laura and decided today that we'll have babies in Spring 2006. But then I realised that means I could be up the duff in just 12 months from now. And that scared me. A lot.

If any men are reading this that think women are bonkers, it's all true. We totally are.

Friday, June 4

Something Nice What I Saw

A return to simple

Press the pause button.
It's time to feel the rain, the wind, the cold mountain air.
Turn the mobile phone off. It does have an off button.
Let the laptop power down.
Leave the e-mails go unread.
Shred the to-do list.
Unplug the television.
Ebay the Playstation.
Don't eat anything that you haven't made yourself.
Shop local.
Spend only what you can afford.
Leave the city.
Head to the hills.
Hear the quiet.
Look up at the sky.
Hear the noise of the wood.
Make a campfire.
Watch the fire flicker and the beans bubble.
Time to recharge those batteries.
Things got too complicated back there.

Thursday, June 3

Here's a profile of my new cat:

Name: Zebedee-Dave
Age: Four
Occupation: Cat
Colour: Black with a white beard, belly and feet
Tail: Wonky
Whiskers: Unfeasibly long
Best feature: Purrs loudly and a lot
Worse feature: Has a manky eye
Likes: Windowsills
Dislikes: Being called 'manky-eye'

Wednesday, June 2

Lofty Heights
The bloke that used to play Lofty - hapless love interest of the teenage acne-ridden Michelle in Eastenders - was the ghost writer of David Beckham's Autobiography. Look, here's the proof!

Monday, May 24

It's not black Monday anymore. The fog has shifted from around my head and I'm back in the land of the living. Time for a positive and uplifting list.

Things to look forward to:
  • The Hay Festival
    I'm going there on Saturday to be all cultured and arty. Maybe I will be inspired to become a writer
  • Going Home
    Cooking some nice food, and cosying up in my newly-cleaned house and reading Saturday's Guardian (I know it's Monday, but I never get round to it on the weekend)
  • Getting Le Chat
    Zebedee-Dave, our rescue cat, arrives on Sunday. Much miaowing in the house. Can I rename him Chairman Miaow?
  • The Summer
    It will be full of beautiful sunshine, lovely friends, cold wine, great music, lush food and lots of laughter and love and lovely things

Black Monday
Today I feel horrible.
And fat.
And sluggish.
And sad.
And ugly.
And unpopular.
And, let's face it, a little bit sorry for myself too.

A bad, bad combination. Stay away from the strange crying woman in the corner.

Thursday, May 20

Those Poor Children
Just looking through the one of our local papers - the Rhondda Leader - and have come across a bonny baby competition. Here are a few of the babies' names.
  • Casie Marie
  • Blake Leigh
  • Blayne
  • Levi (a little girl)
  • Macey Jayne
  • Cody
  • Finleigh Corbus
  • Rio Harley
  • Callum Darren
  • Kian


Wednesday, May 19

Stilton matricide!
It's a Googlewhack - I found one!!! After trying echidna pedagogy (78 matches), custard arachnid (187) and curmudgeon possum (319), I succeeded.

Blimey - between blogging and Googlewhacking, I am turning into a proper geek.

Tuesday, May 18

I went to see Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure on Saturday - and it was amazing.

Being very busy at work, I thought I would try to find a Googlewhack on my blog. Haven't found one, but I have come across a band called Big Yoga Muffin.
Poet But Don't You Know It
OK, OK, I take it all back. I used to hate The Streets, but now I realise that Mike Skinner - like Eminem - is a poet for our generation. His lyrics are so clever - a really accurate observation of mass youth culture in Britain Today (got my Cultural Studies head on there).

The album is brilliant, and when you listen to it all the way through, you realise it's got a little story running through and all the songs are linked. Genius.

Anyway, I've got to stop writing a minute to get chips and drinks.

Monday, May 17

Men in Skirts
I watched Troy at the cinema last night. Here's my review:

"I just kept wishing it was over"

What a load of old rubbish. Here's why:
  • Bad, bad acting
    Brad Pitt - wooden. Eric Banner - oh dear. And why, oh why, did Sean Bean have a Northern English accent?

  • Too 'Hollywoodised'
    So apparently they had razors in ancient Greece - although only the young, handsome warriors like Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom got to use them.

  • Too many long fight scenes
    They just kept going on and on.

  • A distinct lack of wooden-horse action
    Surely the best bit of the story, but given only about 2 minutes of screen time. More horse action please!

That's it, I've had it with epics. They are pants.
I Am a Runnist!
Did the 5km Race for Life yesterday - in the blistering midday sun - in a v impressive 37 minutes! I only started running about six weeks ago, so I'm mega impressed with my time.

Friday, May 14

The Intelligent Office
People are strange, as Jim Morrison once said. I work in an office full of supposedly intelligent people, but here is one of the conversations I heard today.

Person A: What's soya sauce?
Person B: It's that black stuff you get in Chinese food.
A: No, that's soy sauce. But what's soya sauce?
B: Oh, I'm not sure. Aren't they the same?
A: No, soya sauce is different from soy sauce.
(Person C joins the conversation)
Person C: Soya sauce is that funny white stuff that vegetarians eat.
A & B: Oh yeah, that stuff.

Miss Meep (thinks): What is wrong with you people? There's no such thing as soya sauce! Do you never eat anything apart from Findus Crispy pancakes and Pot Noodles?

Biscuit-related website
I don't know about you, but what I really fancy is a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
Cakey delight
Feeling a bit down - boo!

Just about to eat a banana muffin - yay!

Thursday, May 13

Fire, Fire, Mrs Dyer!
Last night, I almost set my kitchen on fire. I put some olive oil in a pan to fry some onions, switched on the gas, then saw my neighbour in her garden, so popped outside to say hello.

She likes a chat does my neighbour, so when I returned to the kitchen 10 minutes later, said pan of oil was smoking violently, and quite literally about to burst into flames. You're supposed to keep calm in these situations, so I started screaming and running about like a distressed chicken. Luckily, husband came and rescued me, and all was well (although the whole house smells like an accident in a plastic manufacturing factory).

Reminds me of that old Chinese proverb: "Don't chit chat when there's fat in the pan". Or something.
I've just been reading lots of other people's blogs, and realised that mine is RUBBISH!

Wednesday, May 12


Thought I'd be all creative and change my template, and now I've lost all my links. Bugger.
Homeless Muffin
Yesterday, I wanted to buy a muffin for a homeless man, but my lovely husband thought I should give him money instead, as he might not like the muffin.

How can anyone not like muffins, especially if they are hungry? Muffins make you happy and fill you up. He may have used the quid I gave him to buy booze, which makes you even hungrier and often quite sad too.

And now the muffin is homeless too. Although its brother found its way into my belly. And its other brother found a home in the stomach of my lovely husband.

Friday, May 7

Friday Frenzy
Hurrah! It's Friday. The sun is shining. I just ate figs for breakfast (how decadent!). My sunflower seeds are sprouting up all over the place. I'm going to visit my mam and dad's later. And Damien Rice is on Jonathan Ross tonight. Life is good.

Wednesday, May 5

A Nice List
I haven't got any 'burning issues' to write about today, so I thought I'd write a list of things that make me happy.
  • Lambs, especially when they are gamboling
  • Sunflowers, and daisies and gerberas too
  • Sunshine - but where is it?
  • Beaches
  • Spaniels - mine's going to be called Broccoli Sausage
  • Glitter - add instant sparkle to your life
  • The colour pink - I've managed to get it two rooms in my house!
  • My lovely, cakey husband
  • Dark chocolate
  • Exercise endorphins - who needs booze and Es?
  • Bunnies, or anything fluffy and cute
  • Good books - currently Midnight's Children
  • Bubble baths
  • Cooking good food
  • My friends - beautiful, intelligent, funny and fab
  • Trees and grass and all of Mother Nature's garden
  • Films - entertaining and you get to cosy up the dark and eat sweets too

Wednesday, April 28

Hairy Sheep
Here is a very hairy sheep.
Muffins are lovely
I've got one in my tum
I'll have to go running later
Or it'll end up on my bum

Tuesday, April 27

I used to hate exercise, but now I love it! Here's why:
  • It makes you feel fab!
    All that talk of endorphins I've been hearing about is true. I feel happy, happy, happy all the time.
  • You get thinner
    Well, apparently - I can't see any signs of it so far, but maybe I should lay off the Chinese food and chocolate as well.
  • You sleep better
    I'm out like a light at 11, and feel refreshed when I wake at 7. Bliss! (Apart from when my next door neighbour comes home drunk like she did on Saturday, wailing a moving rendition of 'He Ain't Heavy' outside my bedroom window at 4am).
  • Your skin glows
    I don't even need blusher at the moment - and I'm one of the palest people ever, ever, ever.

Well, why are you still reading this? Get your Dunlops on and get exercising!

Monday, April 26

I had one of the loveliest weekends ever! It was so sunny and I did lots of lovely things that made me feel all relaxed and happy.

  • Went for an early morning run in the park
  • Had a lovely breakfast, while reading the Saturday Guardian
  • Went down to the Gower and wandered around a few breathtaking beaches
  • Stopped off in a cool country pub for a pint of Real Ale
  • Ate some Thai takeaway - and lots of raspberries
  • Went to the gym for a workout, swim, sauna and steam room session
  • Had a luxury picnic in the park, with loads of goodies from M&S
  • Watched Kill Bill 2, which is amazing and possibly my favourite Tarantino film
  • Bought some organic compost to plant my sunflower seeds in

For once, I feel happy even though it's Monday morning. Hurrah for sunshine and the simple things in life.

Friday, April 23

A poem I found, which makes me feel happy.

no alcohol, no weed, no cigarettes, no e's
no milk, no cheese, no eggs, no meat
just meditation & peace, good workout, good sleep
more sunshine, light breeze

Makes me want to be all clean living and cool, just wandering around on a beach in the sunshine munching on berries.
I'm Back!
Bit of a lack of blogging recently. I have been in Guatemala studying the Mayan ruins and visitng the place that the happy fair trade farmers grow the cocoa beans to make Green and Blacks Maya Gold (mmmmmmmmmmm!).

I've also been up to lots of other fun stuff too.
  • Running
    I've been doing this for about three weeks now, and I love it. It's so beautiful, running in the sunshine, next to the lake, jumping over ducks that waddle into my path. I've built up to 3 minutes running, 1 minute walking and I'm covering about 2.5 miles. I'm aiming for the London Marathon by 2006 (maybe).

  • Lovely and Healthy(ish) Cooking
    Martin Shaw, who used to be in The Professionals is a very good veggie cook. I've been making a lot of his recipes, and his wife's chocolate banana cake is especially nice. Well done, Mrs S!

    Also, check out this lush African Sweet Potato Stew - another new favourite.

  • Doing Musical Things
    On Wednesday I went to see the musical Taboo, which was very camp and entertaining. Not sure what Julian Clary was doing in it though, as he has absolutely zero singing and dancing skills.

    I've also booked tickets to see Keane and to go to the V Festival too, which I'm very excited about.

  • Reading Good Books
    Veronika Decides to Die is one of those amazing books that makes you think differently about the world. I'm now reading Memoirs of a Geisha, which is totally transports to you to another place and time. It's so good that I don't want to get off the train in the morning - I want to stay on and keep on reading.

  • Not Watching TV
    I've come to the conclusion that television is 99% rubbish, so I've stopped watching it most of the time. Instead, I've found time to read the newspaper, see friends, surf the web, paint, cook, listen to music, have long baths, watch films (like Shaun of the Dead, which is ace)... lots of things that are more constructive and interesting than porgrammes about debt collectors and DIY. Although I am still watching the two things I love - Jonathan Ross and Friends. And I'll watch Cutting It when that comes back on, and any good comedy too.

  • Making Poetry
    I've always wanted some magnetic fridge poetry, and have hoped every birthday and christmas that someone might buy it for me. But they never have. Boo.

    But a few days ago, I found it in a sale. So I bought it for myself. Yay.

    I've already had hours of fun with it, and have written a poem about my perfect day, and one for my gorgeous husband.

It's Friday afternoon, the sun is shining and I'm looking forward to a lovely weekend of doing lovely things.

Wednesday, March 31

Evil Booze
I keep going out on school nights and getting drunk, having about four hours sleep, then having to face a long day in the office. It's not big and its not clever and it has to stop. Although last night, I went to an acoustic night full of beautiful boys with guitars, which is always nice.

Reasons for not drinking
  • Money - you spend loads on booze, get all generous with buying people drinks, end up having to get a taxi home, then it all gets really expensive
  • Health - drinking in excess, of course, is not good for you at all, and you will end up with a nose like the dad off The Royle Family
  • Wasted weekends - I detest waking up late, feeling crap, and doing nothing but lie on the sofa whimpering all day
  • Food - boozing makes you peckish, so you end up eating lots of crap before you go to bed, then feeling rubbish the next day and eating even more junk
  • Talking rubbish - I'm a bit shy, so drink helps me through those awkward social situations, but I talk rubbish normally, and it just gets worse when I've had a few
  • It's actually not nice - I only really like real ales, but Cardiff's full of yukky Brains pubs, so I end up drinking lager, which I don't even like

Reasons for drinking
  • Er... it's fun!

Oh dear. Think I'm becoming teetotal.

Tuesday, March 30

I don't watch a lot of TV, but I'm doing a little experiment to see if I can live without it. Last night, I got home from work, spent time cooking a lovely pasta dish for tea, then sat and read the newspaper and listening to music while I ate it.

Then I made myself a coffee, and sat in the kitchen going through my recipe books and planning what delicious grub to buy at the supermarket. This sounds like a chore, but it's one of my favourite things to do.

Next, I had a lovely long bath, with facemasks and exfoliating and pedicures and everything.

Then I covered myself in coconut body butter, got into bed, scribbled down some notes about the sitcom I am trying to write (yes, really!) and read my book for an hour. Bliss!

It's amazing what you can do when the telly's not on.
I have a big deadline at work, but it's such a lovely day, I just want to go outside and run around on top of the mountain. I'm so happy it's not cold and dark and yukky anymore.

Thursday, March 25

Here are some things you probably didn't know about Des O'Connor:

  • He eats one meal a day
  • He washes his hair twice a day
  • He owns 900 shirts

Perhaps that is the secret to eternal youth.

Tuesday, March 23

Egg Encounter
Not busy on 28-30 March? Why not attend the International Egg Commission Spring Conference? You can eat and talk about eggs for three whole days.

Eurgh! I feel sick just thinking about it. I am going to set up the EM (Eggs Ming) Society in protest. On Saturday I made a lemon tart for Mother's Day lunch, which involved me breaking nine - yes, count 'em, nine - eggs, looking at their slimy, manky, globular contents and feeling like barfgirl. Bleurgh!

If I think about eggs every time I want a muffin, perhaps I will be so repulsed by said cakey delight, that I will refuse to eat it and be super, super thin forever.

I'd be vegan if it wasn't for muffins. Or any cake really. And cheese pasties. Oh, and pizza.

Friday, March 19

Thursday, March 18

I've just run 5 km - it felt quite exhilarating at the time, but now I just feel like someone's beaten me up.
Small Horse
I've just seen a picture of a really small horse.

Monday, March 15

Household Disasters
It's funny how many accidents you can have in the home. On the weekend, I burnt my hand on the cooker (for the second time in a week), and have a huge welt on my hand - very attractive.

Then I had three DIY-related incidents. Firstly, I burnt myself on a paint stripper gun, and have a matching welt on my finger (I'm starting to think my career as a hand model is over). Then, in a comedy incident, I set fire to the stairs with it, dropped the gun in shock and burnt my knee with the bloomin' thing. I gave up the heat gun after this, and thought I'd do something safe, like sanding the doorframe. Little did I know that a huge splinter of wood was waiting to slice through my fingertip, causing much blood and a lot of pain too.

And if that wasn't enough, to top it all off, I tried to open a cake box with a knife, the knife slipped and the point stuck straight into my thumb. I think the diet god was trying to tell me something.

Anyway, I'm safely in my office today, away from DIY and cake-related disaters. Although I am on my way to legs, bums and tums in a bit, so I'd better be very careful during the speed squats.

Friday, March 12

Dirty sheep
I just saw some sheep in the snow, and against the white background, they looked really dirty.

Thursday, March 11

It's so bloomin' cold outside. I think I have got SAD, as I can't even face going up to the shop to buy Jaffa Cakes. Here are some things you can do to keep warm:

  • Make some soup out of whatever veggies are lurking in your fridge. Delicious, nutrious and warming (unless the only veg in your fridge is a manky old lettuce. In that case, you should go shopping).
  • Get into bed with lots of people that you know. Not in a pervy way, but in a nice, cuddly way. Take some wine and music with you and you can all get drunk and sing while keeping warm. I was talking about this in a taxi the other day, and the driver said he'd love to come to a party at my house. Perve.
  • Try and put on all your clothes at once. Always a winner - funny and keeps you warm too.
  • A favourite in my house - wrap a blanket around and around yourself and pretend you are a caterpillar. Or a worm, if you prefer. You need someone to help you do this, as your hands need to be inside the blanket.
  • Dance around your kitchen, while baking muffins to warm the room up. Spice Girls second album is very danceable indeed

Monday, March 8

So nice, yet so, so bad for you. Shame.
Baby Seahorses!
I had a fab weekend down in Poole, visiting my lovely friend Laura. She works at Bournemouth Oceanarium with lots of fishies, turtles and lots of other lovely underwater friends.

After going round and squeaking a lot at the baby turtles, pulling faces at the funny-looking pufferfish and getting scared of the rays, we went 'backstage' and saw some quite amazing things. In a little tank, there hundreds of baby seahorses. They were tiny, tiny, tiny little things, about the size of a grain of rice, yet perfectly formed. I loved them soooooooo much.

And we also saw baby boxfish - yellow with black spots, and the size of your thumbnail. Their tiny little fins moved so fast that you couldn't see them, so they just looked like little cubes of cheese with eyes. I loved them soooooooo much too.

Friday, March 5

Clever clogs
I am officially very clever indeed - I scored 129 in this online IQ test. I think I am going to join MENSA, shave my hair so I have a really high forehead, and wear big glasses that make my eyes look really HUGE and googly. And my friends - Tarquin and Giles - and I will sit around in our frosty Christmas jumpers, drinking port and discussing Proust, occasionally writing really long equations full of squiggles on a blackboard.

Tuesday, March 2

I'm sooooooooooo happy! The new girl that's started work in my office said she thought I was 24! Hurrah - the power of 2 litres of water a day and lots of moisturiser.

Monday, March 1

Happy St David's Day
It's St David's Day! Wear a leek on your jumper, eat Welsh cakes and sing Manic Street Preachers songs!
Le Weekend
Yesterday I decided to go shopping, not realising there were 50 billion football fans in Cardiff for the weekend. I hate football. Grrrrrr.

Friday, February 27

The Valleys
A lot of people think that the South Wales Valleys are a bit crap - full of ex-miners, choirs and heroin addicts. And maybe it is, but I love the Valleys and I'm proud to say that I come from such an amazing place with dramatic scenery, friendly people and a true sense of community.

And today, with the sun shining and the mountains covered in snow, it really is so, so beautiful. It makes me want to pin a daffodil to my jumper and sing Max Boyce songs all day long.

Hwyl fawr!
It's nearly the weekend. Yay!

If you're stuck for things to do, here are my suggestions.

  • Watch Big Fish. It's lovely, it has daffodils in it, and it will make you cry more than onions
  • Build a snowman, and put a carrot where his willy would be
  • Kiss your husband/wife/partner/friend/dog/bunny/donkey on the nose
  • Bake a carrot cake - yummy, and has vegetables in it, so is officially a 'health food'
  • Drink some real ale with a funny name like Turnipfoot or Badgerbungle
  • Listen to Damien Rice. It's just gorgeous.

I'm going to do all of the above things, and maybe some other stuff too.

But whatever you get up to, remember to moisturise well. This cold wind plays havoc with your complexion.

Thursday, February 26

Yesterday, I started my diet. This is what I had:

  • Breakfast: a banana, raspberry and soy smoothie. Very virtuous!
  • Lunch: Spaghetti on toast. Low fat and very retro too!
  • Snacks and drinks: water, green tea, banana, two apples. Fantastic!
  • Exercise: Aerobics class. V good.
  • Dinner: Pad Thai, green curry, rice, spring rolls, half a bottle of wine, chocolate. Bugger.

Wednesday, February 25

Meepy meepy meep, meep meep meep meepy meep. Meep meep meep meep meep - meep - meep meepy meepy meepy meep.

Meep meep meep meep, meep meep!

Tuesday, February 24

Hooray, hooray, it's pancake day. Here are some recipes to inspire you.

But why are they called pancakes, when there's nothing really cakey about them at all. In fact, the muffin is far superior to the pancake, so why don't we have Muffin Day instead?

I think I will declare Muffin Day and it shall be June 15th. Then again, every day is muffin day in my house.

Here's someone else who loves cake.
McDonalds is horrendous, isn't it? This bloke ate nothing but Maccers for 30 days, then made a film about what happened to his body.

If you hate that hideous clown-perve and his obesity-causing ways, have a look at McSpotlight - they really hate the child-luring buggers.

And as I am writing this, the frequent burger-eaters in my office have just come in with dozens of the greasy things. And they've also opted to 'Go Lard' for an extra 20p. Oh, and they've got apple pies too - in case the lardburgers didn't have quite enough fat in them.

Oooo, little bit of politics on a Tuesday afternoon...
Is this your piglet? I've just phoned home and mine's safe and well.

Friday, February 20

It's the weekend. I have a tenner in my purse to last me until next Thursday. Great.

Thursday, February 19

Woe is me
Today, I think that everyone hates me. Here's why:

  • I keep forgetting to do things at work and end up looking really incompetent
  • I am sitting all on my own in a corner with no-one to talk to and I'm getting paranoid
  • I talk a load of old rubbish that no-one really wants to listen to
  • Yesterday, I saw a blind man and I didn't help him
  • I keep eating hot food in the office and everyone hates the smell of my cooking
  • I look like a fat tramp

Boo hoo, I am going home to eat Jaffa Cakes and cry.

Wednesday, February 18

It's National Chip Week. Yay!
Rik Waller
He is beautiful, in every single way. Especially with his new Bob Marley 'do'.

Watch him on Back to Reality or have hours of fun coming up with a T-shirt slogan for him.

According to his Back to Reality profile, Rik used to have a pet chameleon and he can make a chicken out of a tea towel. I think I'm in love.

Tuesday, February 17

I'm Rubbish!
I'm not very good at this blogging thing, but my new blog resolution is to write something every day, even if it just the word 'meep'.

I have just got a book delivered called Go M.A.D!, which isn't about becoming a lunatic with frizzy hair that shouts 'Cheesecake' sporadically and crumbles Hob Nobs all over the seats on the bus. It's all about giving mother earth a big old friendly squeeze, and features 'Over 500 daily ways to save the planet'. I think that today I am going to build a bat box in my garden, because bats are fab and they get rid of a lot of the nasty insects that harm your plants. I hope I get little furry bats, then I can try to tickle them while they are asleep. I think I have a lot in common with bats, because I like hanging upside down too - try the rag doll yoga move and you'll be hooked!

Wednesday, February 11

Work's a funny old business isn't it. We've just had a meeting that was full of how we can be better, bigger, stronger etc as a department, by being in a 'win-win' situation with 'opinion formers' who 'spread the message'. Bloody hell - it was like an episode of The Office gone mad!

I don't think I'm really cut out to work in an office (although I do get to 'blog' and look at funny websites a lot), so I am now going to channel all my cosmic energy into persuing one of the following dream careers. If you have any suggestions on what else I could do, add a comment at the bottom - you could change my life with a click of your mouse!

  • Florist
    Surrounded by flowers all day can't be bad. And imagine how many people you'd make happy every day by presenting them with bouquets
  • Primary School Teacher
    Because like the little kids, I have an attention span of about 5 minutes, and I love painting, reading, making cards and singing
  • Spider
    I could scare people I didn't like and I'd never have to shave my legs
  • Tea Shop Owner
    Because I love tea. And I would love to bring joy to other people through the medium of tea. And cake
  • A Bunny Farmer
    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! (When I did an awful call centre job, we had a customer who ran a bunny farm in North Wales. We used to phone him all the time, just to hear him say "Hi, you're through to the Bunny Farm", then put the phone down)
  • Tree Surgeon
    Because trees are fab and need hugging at all times

Monday, February 9

Busy Bee
Less than one week of this blogging malarkey and I'm already slacking, with not a peep out of me for almost a week.

Nice things that happened to me on the weekend:
  • I went to Cardiff market and saw some white bunnies with grey noses. I made a squeaking noise when I saw them. The woman on the pet stall looked scared
  • I found a handbag I'd forgotten I had and I bought a handbag with butterflies on for £2
  • I went out to a posh restaurant (a wedding present - and v nice too), got drunk, then went home and danced around my lounge to Belle and Sebastian
  • I bought some lovely new moisturiser from Neal's Yard and it smells like cake

Bad things that happened to me on the weekend:
  • Dave said he was thinking about buying me a bunny for Valentine's day. but now he isn't because its little poos will get stuck in the grooves in our new carpet and it will try to eat the stereo - boo!
  • I went to check when the MoT is due on the car - and it was actually due last September
  • I ordered Chinese and they didn't give me any free prawn crackers - grrrrr

Wednesday, February 4

Green Tea
I love green tea. I drink it all day long. And according to The Observer, it will make me live forever, look younger, become beautiful, have lots of babies and loads of other brilliant stuff.

I drink it from my Hello Kitty cup, which came all the way from Japan, from Unthinkable, who I don't know, but is Baby Atom's brother, and has very good taste in cups.

Here's why green tea is good:
  • It's green, like a lot of other things I like, such as frogs, trees and peas
  • It's a well-known fact that tea brings people together in times of happiness or even tragedy
  • It's full of Aunty's Oxidents, which give disease-causing nasties in your body a big biff on the nose
  • Bald vegan popstar Moby has a tea shop in New York that serves green tea (probably), therefore it must be officially kind to bunnies and officially cool

Talking of the fluffy ones, here is a lovely site about bunnies. I wonder if they like green tea? They like lettuce and that's green.

Tuesday, February 3

Warm Fuzzies
This morning, a man on the train made my day. He was so lovely and has set me up to feel all warm and fuzzy for the rest of the day.

He was about 50-odd, with a big belly, a bald head and a round smiley face - a bit like my dad. He was the Cuddly Conductor.

Cuddly Conductor is not like other train people. He spotted me sprinting up the stairs to the platform, just as the train was about to pull off. And instead of just ignoring me, like most grumpies would do, he opened the door, gave me a big grin, and told me to 'hop on' - it made me smile because I thought maybe I reminded him of a frog in my green coat.

It's the little things like that which make me feel that the world isn't such a bad place after all. And now I'm feeling all Pollyanna, and I'm going to do all of the following things to make other people feel like they've been hugged by a big load of furry kindness:

  • Smile at everyone I meet today (although may risk them thinking I am a mentalist)
  • Share my last two satsumas with my work colleague
  • Talk to all the old people in my art class, instead of ignoring them and sitting in the corner gossiping with my friend
  • Compliment people if they are wearing something nice, especially if they will let me borrow it
  • Buy a Big Issue on the way home from work (helping homeless), then recycle it after I've read it (helping Mother Earth)
  • If I had a bunny, I'd take it round to a local orphanage and let all the children have a go on it

Monday, February 2

It's Chill Out Monday! This is what I'm going to do when I get home.

  • Cook something yummy but low fat
    Only actually have some leeks and a few potatoes in the fridge, so looks like it's leek and potato soup.

  • Watch soaps
    Yes, yes, I know they suck out your brain cells, but sometimes there's nothing I like more than a cosying up on the sofa with a cup of Earl Grey and a bit of Fred Elliot (not literally, obviously - he'd smell of meat in real life).

  • Admire my new kitchen
    It's shiney and looks like ice cream.

Ooooooooooo, I'm online! Not sure what I'm doing yet, but do be patient and I'll regularly update my 'blog'.

To start with, here's a list of things I like that I could post about in the future.

  • Cakes - everything from the humble sponge to the mighty muffin
  • Lists - everyone likes a nice list
  • Bunnies - you can poke them and they squeak. Or maybe that's guinea pigs
  • 'Green' stuff - it's not easy being green, but we need to give mother earth a great big hug
  • Vegetables - tasty and full of vitamins too
  • Bubble baths - bubbly, relaxing, warm and wet
  • Water - it's great becuase you can do so many things with it. Drink it, bathe in it, swim in it, squirt your dog with it
  • Glitter - because everyone needs sparkle in their life
  • The colour pink - because it's just so... pink

I can't wait to start 'blogging'!