You are sitting on the toilet, surrounded by a mountain of damp baby clothes on airers, an overflowing washing basket and a bath full of plastic ducks, watering cans and soggy Miffy flannels.
The baby is lying on a towel on the floor, cutting her first tooth, and screaming at you with a pleading look in her eyes that says "How can you possibly leave me down here on my own, you heartless woman?".
The toddler is pulling apart a toilet roll and rolling it into 'sausages' all over the floor. She stops her play and looks at you. "Is that a poo coming out Mammy? Can I see it?".
The dog comes in and just stares at you.
Ladies and gentlemen, your dignity has left the building.
Thursday, December 3
The thing is about being a sling baby is that your legs can get awfully chillsome. No way do any kind of boots or shoes stay on your feet and there's always a gap where your trousers rise up. And let's face it, no amount of stripy tights are going to keep this December chill off your podgy little legs.
The solution? Baby leg warmers. Cute as can be and practical too. And as money is tight, I decided to make my own. Couldn't find a pattern anywhere, so made it up. And here they are... as modelled by a delighted Miss Molly Mumpet.
To fit one exceptionaly cute and not really very fat 5-and-a-half month baby. Using Size 8 needles and double knitting wool.
Cast on 28 stitches
Rib stitch (knit two, purl two) for six rows
30 rows of stocking stitch
Six more rows of rib stitch
They were all a bit experimental, so one's longer than the other, and one has actually come undone (it's been a while since I made anything). But now I've worked it out, I'm onto a second pair in bonkersly bright rainbow wool. Oh, the cuteness.
Wednesday, December 2
Let the stollen-munching commence (OK, let's face it, that started as soon as it hit the shops in early November).
I'm not even remotely religious, so for me, Christmas time is about celebrating the end of a year and the winter solstice, being grateful for what we have, seeing friends and family and, of course, cosying up under blankets on the sofa with mulled wine and a mince pie. I want a sort of kind of Pagan-meets-Thanksgiving vibe going on, but with added obligatory viewing of Love Actually on Christmas Eve.
Now The Snail's old enough to get excited about it all, I want to start some of our own family traditions and for Christmas to be about more than just the pressies. So to start with, instead of a chocolate-filled advent calendar, we've got our own way of counting down and getting excited.
I've made 24 stars, each with a Christmas activity on. We do one each day, then stick the star up on the wall. Today was 'Make a Christmas collage', and Gwen got very into the spirit of things by decorating most of the house and the dog with a glitter shaker. Also coming up are making lots of edible goodies, going on winter woodland walks, reading Christmas stories, making cards and decorations.
I can't wait.